EP 043 The Toxic Positivity Trap: Science-Backed Mindset Habits for Authentic Success

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You know what's killing more dreams
and failure fake positivity, and as

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positive psychology research would
tell you it's the opposite of what

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the science actually recommends.

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The whole good vibes only crowd
have turned personal development

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into a toxic wasteland of denial.

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Delusion, but here's what
they do not want you to know.

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The real positive psychology
isn't about pretending that

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everything's sunshine and rainbows.

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No.

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It's about using science-backed
methods that Harvard tracked across

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160,000 people for 26 years to
literally add 15 years to your life

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while building unshakeable resilience.

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And the research will blow
your mind, your success.

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DNA podcast, your success.

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Is in your DNA.

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What is up?

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What is up?

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What the hell is that?

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My fellow success seekers, welcome back
to another episode of Your success.

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DNA is a podcast for my
aspiring folks out there.

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Whether you are just a mom, a dad, an
entrepreneur, a nine to five escapee.

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We're here because each episode delivers
mindset shifts, habit upgrades, now a

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little dose of rebellion, helping you
break free from the convention so that

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you can build a life aligned with.

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Your version of success.

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And if you know someone who's out
there dreaming of ditching all the

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kaka in their head, but still makes
time for a little self-help, a little

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personal development, then go ahead
and not forward this episode to them.

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Okay, so today we're talking
about Beyond the Good Vibes only.

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This is gonna be your
Rebels Guide to a real.

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Positive psychology and why toxic
positivity is sabotaging your growth

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and what science says actually works.

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So in today's episode, first I'm
gonna expose why the Manifest

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Your Dreams Crowd is actually.

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Making you weaker, not stronger.

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And we're gonna share the Harvard study
that tracked 160,000 people for 26 years

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to discover what really extends your life.

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Second, we're going to hear the
incredible story of 678 Catholic

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nuns whose handwritten journals at
the age of 22 predicted exactly.

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How long they were gonna live and what
this reveals about the thoughts you

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are thinking right this very minute.

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And then third, I'm gonna walk you
through the five element perma system

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that's been scientifically proven to
build genuine resilience, meaning you'll

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never have to fake positivity again.

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Because you're gonna have the real thing.

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Okay, so here's the truth bomb.

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That's gonna make some
of you uncomfortable.

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I really like doing this.

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This just dropping a little noise in it.

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Dropping that big old
stone into the pond, right?

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The positive thinking movement
has been hijacked by people

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who are afraid of reality.

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Yeah, they've turned legitimate
psychological science into a

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feel-good fantasy that's actually
making people more fragile, not

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more resilient, and it's time.

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Someone like me called them
out, called all of it out.

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Okay.

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So let me tell you about two different
approaches that I've witnessed

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recently was at a coffee shop and
overheard two conversations happening.

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Neighboring tables at the first
table was a woman who was telling

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her friend about losing her job.

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Her friend immediately jumped in
with, everything happens for a reason.

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Just stay positive.

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The universe has a plan, right?

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We, we've all, we, we know those people.

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Some of them have that
person in our lives.

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The woman's face fell.

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She, you could, you could literally
see her shutting down feeling like

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she wasn't allowed to process the very
real, real fear that she was feeling

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as, as well as the disappointment.

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Over at the second table.

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Another woman was sharing a
very similar story, but her

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friend responded differently.

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Well, that sucks, and it's
okay to feel scared right now.

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What are you thinking about doing next?

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Then they went for the next
20 minutes and actually dove

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into problem solving together.

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You wanna guess which woman walked
out looking empowered versus which

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woman walked out looking defeated?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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See, this isn't about being a good
friend, although that's probably

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a great example of being one.

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This is about understanding the
difference between toxic positivity,

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which shuts down the real human
experience and the authentic.

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Positive psychology, which acknowledges
reality while building genuine strength.

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And here's what's fascinating.

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Science has now proven that the second
approach doesn't just feel better.

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It actually extends your life.

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Yeah.

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Stick with me.

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Okay.

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Let me walk you through what real
positive psychology looks like, because

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this, my friends, is not theory.

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It is life-changing science.

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Understand what we are
really dealing with here.

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Back in 1998, Dr. Martin Seligman
stood up as the incoming president of

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the American Psychological Association
and made a revolutionary declaration.

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Psychology had become obsessed
with mental illness and pathology.

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What if instead we studied
what makes life worth living?

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This launched positive psychology, not
the fluffy self health version so many

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of us have come to know, but the rigorous
scientific research version and the

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results, the results are staggering.

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Harvard University tracked nearly
160,000 people over the course of

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26 years, and they discovered that
real optimists live 11 to 15% longer.

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Our pessimist friends out there,
that's not just correlation.

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When they controlled the lifestyle
factors like, uh, exercise and uh,

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diet, they found that lifestyle
only accounted for 24% of that link.

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Something deeper was happening
there, but here's a study that.

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Really should get it your attention.

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This one is the NUN study and I
mentioned this briefly earlier.

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Researchers followed 678
Catholic nuns from the age of 22.

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Until they died.

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What made this unique was that all
of these nuns had written brief

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autobiographies when they entered
the covenant as young women.

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Decades later, Richards scored
these handwritten documents

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for emotional content.

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The nuns who expressed the most positive
emotions in their early writings

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live an average of 10 years longer
than those who expressed the least.

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Think about that.

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These women, they lived
virtually identical lives.

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They had the same diet,
they had the same routine.

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They set, they had the same healthcare.

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The only variable at this point
was really substantively how they

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viewed their world as young women
captured in a few paragraphs.

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Of their own writing in their own words.

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Now, here's how you apply all
of this using the PERMA model.

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P-P-E-R-M-A and PERMA stands for the
five elements that you can actively

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develop, positive emotion, engagement,
relationships, meaning and accomplishment.

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Okay, let's go.

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Let's go through these.

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Positive emotion.

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This, this is not about forced
happiness, ladies and gentlemen.

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It does include hope, interest,
joy, compassion, and gratitude.

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However, research shows that these
emotions literally broaden your

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thinking, making you more creative.

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More resilient.

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This is what psychologist Barbara
Fredrickson calls the broaden and

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build theory, positive emotions,
expand your cognitive resources and

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build lasting psychological strengths.

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Just that mind muscle, but here's the key.

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You don't suppress your negative emotions.

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No, no, no.

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You acknowledge them and then you
consciously cultivate positive

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ones right alongside of them.

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You don't pretend that
the kaka is not there.

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You spread the kaka around and use it.

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I, I don't know, as fertilizer, right?

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Okay.

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You feel me?

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Alright.

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Next is engagement and engagement.

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It's about flow, those movements
when you are completely absorbed in

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something challenging, but achievable.

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This isn't about finding your passion.

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No.

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It's about bringing your full attention
to whatever it is you are doing right now.

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So it's not always something
you're passionate about.

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You're doing it so you may
as well be fully engaged.

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Next, relationships and relationships
might be about the most crucial element.

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Harvard's grant study followed
people for over 80 years and

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concluded that good relationships
keep us happier and healthier.

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Well, duh, Tracy, I
could've told you that.

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Well, yeah.

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But are you engaged in those fully
Social support doesn't just feel good.

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It measurably strengthens
your immune system.

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Okay, so find that good relationship.

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Guess what the opposite means?

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Alright, that's a whole
nother podcast topic.

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Okay.

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Next is meaning and meaning answers.

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The why question.

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It's connecting to something
larger than yourself.

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It could be family, it could be a
cause, or understanding how your

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work contributes to something bigger.

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Viktor Frankl who survives a
holocaust called this concept

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tragic optimism, finding meaning
even in the face of suffering.

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Yeah.

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I think this perfectly captures
what we're really after, not

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the denial of our difficulties.

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But the resilience through purpose.

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I call this looking back into my abyss
through all the challenging things that

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have happened in my life, the loss of
a daughter overcoming addiction, you

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know, the vicious divorce and bankruptcy.

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There's things to be learned
inside there, meaning.

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Okay, and that leads us to
the last one accomplishment.

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An accomplishment is about the
satisfaction of reaching your goals and

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building that confidence and competence,
unlike all the other elements, this

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is sometimes pursued even when it
doesn't lead to positive emotions.

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It's about the confidence that
comes from proven capabilities.

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You've accomplished it.

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There's a confidence that comes
with that, and you've proven your

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capabilities by that accomplishment.

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This connects to what Stafford's
Carol Dweck calls growth mindset, the

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belief that abilities can be developed
through dedication and hard work.

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Her research on fixed versus gross mindset
perfectly aligns with building genuine

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resilience rather than that brittle.

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Positively you.

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You know what I'm talking about.

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I'm always positive.

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I'm always positive.

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Yeah.

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But I could shatter that
positivity really easy.

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Here's how you implement this.

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Starting today.

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Every morning, identify
one element of perma.

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You're gonna focus on Monday.

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It might be a gratitude
practice for a positive emotion.

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Tuesday could be finding flow
in a challenging project.

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So you use engagement Wednesday
can involve reaching out and

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strengthening a relationship.

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The key is that.

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You're not pretending.

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Problems do not exist.

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You're building genuine psychological
resources to handle whatever is going

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to come your way, and we all know it's
gonna come your way, so you may as

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well start prepping yourself for it.

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This is why Angela Duckworth's research on
grit found that passion plus perseverance.

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Consistently out predicts natural talents.

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Yeah, right.

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You throw that passion and
that perseverance in there and

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you're going to out predict
natural talent every single time.

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Speaking of building natural
strengths, this is exactly what

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we, uh, deep dive into every week.

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In the Unleash Your
Success DNA newsletter.

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It's for my aspiring folks out
there that want real mindset

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shifts, not that fake positivity.

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Each issue delivers habit upgrades
and my usual dose of rebellion all

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helping you break free from convention
so that you can build a life.

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Aligned with your version of success.

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No fluff, no toxic positivity, just
science bag strategies that actually work.

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Go ahead and sign up for
it over@yoursuccessd.com.

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Okay, so here's why all
of this really matters.

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At a deeper level, we are living
in a culture that has become

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terrified of their negative emotions.

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I know some of them will throw
'em around pretty willy-nilly.

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We've all been conditioned to believe
that feeling sad or feeling angry or

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feeling afraid means there's something
wrong with us, but there's not negative

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motions, serve crucial functions.

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They signal problems that need attention.

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They, uh, they create motivation
for necessary changes, and they

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provide contrast that makes positive
experiences feel more meaningful.

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Without the bad stuff, the good
stuff just doesn't feel as good.

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Does it, the real revolution isn't
eliminating your negative emotions.

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It's developing what researchers
call flexible optimism.

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This means maintaining hope while
accurately assessing the situation.

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When my daughter died, I wasn't,
I wasn't trying to hide my pain.

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I was trying to maintain
some level of hope.

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While I assess the situation, what
is this gonna do to the family?

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What I gotta do you, you
know what I'm talking about?

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All those things that start
rushing through your head.

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It's about building genuine resilience
instead of that brittle positivity

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that is gonna shatter the moment
that reality WAPs it up and smacks

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you right in the face or in the back
of the head, whatever it might be.

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This connects to a much larger
paradigm shift happening in

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psychology and neuroscience.

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They've discovered that the human brain
is far more plastic than we ever imagined.

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Or maybe it's elastic, right?

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Your mindset isn't fixed.

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It's trainable, but it
requires the right approach.

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It doesn't require just wishful
thinking and fake ass positivity.

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No, the goal isn't to eliminate
negative emotions, but to develop.

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Your resilience to find meaning
and difficulties and to cultivate

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real positive experiences overall.

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So all that said, here's your
whisker wisdom for this week.

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Real strength isn't
about never falling down.

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You are gonna fumble, you are
gonna bumble, you are gonna

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stumble, fall, and face plant.

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The real skill.

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The real strength is about getting back
up and getting better at getting back up.

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Dusting yourself off, sometimes
wiping the cauca off your face.

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Look, the research is crystal clear.

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Positive psychology works, but
only when it's grounded in reality.

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In your reality, not fantasy, the
nuns who lived the longest weren't the

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ones who pretended life was perfect.

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There was the ones who found
genuine meaning and joy in a

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life of service and of sacrifice.

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Your specific action for this week
is to practice what I call emotional

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honesty with optimistic action.

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When something difficult happens
and it's gonna happen, allow you to

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self to go ahead and feel whatever
comes up, anger, sadness, fear,

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whatever it is, don't judge it.

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Don't rush out to try and fix it.

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Just acknowledge it.

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Then ask yourself, what one small
step can I take right now to move

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me toward where I want to be?

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Look, this isn't about positive thinking.

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It's about positive action,
grounded in reality, and that is

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what actually changes your life.

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Listen.

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The world doesn't need more fake
positivity out there, right?

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It needs more people who can face
reality with courage and still

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choose to build something better.

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That's what real positive
psychology is about.

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Not denying the darkness, but refusing
to let it define you or kick your as.

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Yeah, you have the science
now you have the tools.

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You know the difference between toxic
positivity and genuine resilience.

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The question isn't whether it works.

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Harvard and so many other studies
have already proved that it works.

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The question is, what the hell are
you gonna do with this knowledge?

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Your mindset isn't just your attitude.

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It's your longevity, it's your
relationships, and it's your impact on

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your world and the world around you.

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Stop faking it and start building it.

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Think successfully and take action.

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Your success.

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DNA podcast, your success is in your DNA.