May 10, 2026
EP 051 Toxic Positivity & Mindset Success | When "Good Vibes Only" Sabotages Your Goals
Mindset habits shape your reality—but toxic positivity destroys them. Tracy exposes the psychology of emotional suppression using the white bear experiment and research showing "good vibes only" culture increases failure rates by 35%. Discover why forced optimism literally rewires your brain for stress, and learn science-backed alternatives to build authentic mindset success without suppressing your real emotions. https://YourSuccessDNA.com Tracy exposes the dangerous psychology behind toxic positivity and emotional suppression. This episode reveals how "good vibes only" culture literally rewires your brain for failure and increases mortality risk by 35%. Learn about the white bear experiment, tragic optimism, and research-backed alternatives to forced positivity that actually build authentic resilience. What if the advice to "think positive" is actually destroying your mental health? Toxic positivity, the cultural obsession with forcing good vibes and suppressing negative emotions, has quietly infiltrated our workplaces, social media, and even how we raise our children. If you've ever felt guilty for being sad, anxious, or angry, or been told to "just look on the bright side" when your life was falling apart, you've already lived the consequences. In this video, we break down the full psychology and neuroscience behind why emotional suppression isn't protecting you, it's making everything worse. When you bury negative emotions, they don't disappear, they fester and resurface as anxiety, depression, burnout, and even physical illness. Drawing on decades of psychological research, we trace the roots of the toxic positivity movement, expose the hidden damage it causes, and reveal what emotional science actually says you should be doing instead. This isn't an attack on genuine optimism, gratitude, or resilience, those are powerful and well-supported by science. This is about understanding the critical difference between authentic emotional processing and the performative positivity that's quietly making millions of people miserable.
1
00:00:00,027 --> 00:00:03,372
You know that feeling when someone
tells you to just think positive?
2
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,263
Yeah, someone popped
into your head right now.
3
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:07,818
And they tell you to just think
positive while your whole world
4
00:00:07,818 --> 00:00:09,227
seems to be crashing down around you.
5
00:00:09,545 --> 00:00:10,154
What happens?
6
00:00:10,272 --> 00:00:12,545
Yeah, that rage kind of
bubbles up inside you.
7
00:00:12,690 --> 00:00:14,609
And if you know what I'm
talking about, then good.
8
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:19,236
That rage is your soul refusing
to be silenced because here's what
9
00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:23,127
no one is telling you about toxic
positivity and emotional suppression.
10
00:00:23,381 --> 00:00:26,936
It's not just useless, it's
literally killing you, and I've
11
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,554
got the science to prove it.
12
00:00:29,954 --> 00:00:31,572
Your Success DNA Podcast.
13
00:00:31,809 --> 00:00:33,345
Your success- Is in your DNA
14
00:00:34,045 --> 00:00:34,490
What is up?
15
00:00:34,518 --> 00:00:34,927
What is up?
16
00:00:34,972 --> 00:00:36,881
What the hell is up, my
fellow success seekers?
17
00:00:36,881 --> 00:00:41,672
Welcome back to another episode of Your
Success DNA, that podcast for my aspiring
18
00:00:41,672 --> 00:00:45,654
I-want-to-do-better guys and gals out
there, aspiring entrepreneurs, and even
19
00:00:45,654 --> 00:00:47,336
those nine-to-five escapees out there.
20
00:00:47,418 --> 00:00:51,190
Each episode delivers mindset shifts,
habit upgrades, and a little dose
21
00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:53,827
of rebellion, 'cause you know we're
all a little different, right?
22
00:00:53,918 --> 00:00:56,781
All designed to help you break free
from convention so that you can build
23
00:00:56,881 --> 00:01:00,663
not just a business, but maybe a life
aligned with your version of success.
24
00:01:00,872 --> 00:01:03,490
And if you know someone who dreams
of ditching the grind, but still
25
00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:06,545
finds a little time for some personal
development and a little self-help
26
00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:09,354
out there, you might want to go ahead
and forward this episode to them.
27
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,781
Okay, so as I kind of alluded to,
we're gonna be talking about the toxic
28
00:01:12,918 --> 00:01:17,954
truth about the good vibes only crowd
out there, and why your brain tends
29
00:01:17,954 --> 00:01:20,518
to rebel against forced positivity.
30
00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,981
Here's the three things I want
you to come away with today.
31
00:01:23,009 --> 00:01:26,327
First, we're diving into the
neuroscience nightmare of emotional
32
00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:30,363
suppression, why trying to think your
way out of negative emotions literally
33
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:36,100
rewires your brain for failure and
increases your risk of death by 35%.
34
00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:40,672
We're talking amygdala hijacking,
MRI evidence, and why researchers
35
00:01:40,672 --> 00:01:44,372
from Stanford and Harvard agree
that suppression is one of the
36
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,490
most dangerous emotional regulation
strategies that you could be using.
37
00:01:48,636 --> 00:01:53,027
Second, I'm gonna be revealing the
white bear experiment, Daniel Wegner's
38
00:01:53,027 --> 00:01:57,136
landmark research that proves why
"Don't think about it" is about the
39
00:01:57,136 --> 00:01:59,109
worst advice you've ever received.
40
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:02,145
If you're still receiving it, then
you're gonna wanna hear me out here in
41
00:02:02,145 --> 00:02:07,690
how this discovery from 1863 Dvorskoy
all the way to Wegner's 1987 lab
42
00:02:07,809 --> 00:02:12,818
explains why you can't stop obsessing
over what's actually bothering you.
43
00:02:13,027 --> 00:02:16,163
Psychologists call this rumination,
and I mentioned this a couple
44
00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:20,736
episodes ago, and toxic positivity
is turbocharging your rumination.
45
00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:25,690
And third, as if all that wasn't
enough, we're exploring tragic optimism.
46
00:02:25,727 --> 00:02:30,163
This is Viktor Frankl's Holocaust
survivor secret to holding hope and
47
00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:35,500
suffering simultaneously, and why this
approach builds real resilience instead
48
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,345
of Instagram-worthy fake strengths.
49
00:02:37,372 --> 00:02:41,127
So let's start with the truth that's gonna
make a lot of the self-help industrial
50
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,272
complex very, very uncomfortable.
51
00:02:43,536 --> 00:02:49,099
Good vibes isn't just bad advice, it's
emotional violence disguised as wellness.
52
00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:51,227
And, and I want you to
hear me clearly on this.
53
00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:55,709
I'm not talking about genuine optimism,
not talking about genuine gratitude
54
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,700
or hope or real resilience, because
those are real, and those are very,
55
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:03,409
very powerful tools, and they have
decades of research behind them.
56
00:03:03,681 --> 00:03:08,609
What I'm talking about is something
far more insidious Toxic positivity,
57
00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:13,272
the cultural cancer that's quietly
embedding itself into our workplace,
58
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:17,299
into our social media feeds, and
even into the way we raise our kids.
59
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:18,281
Yeah, okay?
60
00:03:18,472 --> 00:03:22,090
And if, if you've ever felt guilty for
feeling sad, for feeling anxious, or
61
00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:26,172
feeling angry or frustrated, if you've
ever been told to just look on the
62
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:29,872
bright side when your entire world is
crumbling down around your shoulders,
63
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:34,563
you've experienced emotional suppression
firsthand, and it's making you miserable
64
00:03:34,772 --> 00:03:36,736
in ways you probably did not even realize.
65
00:03:36,736 --> 00:03:39,399
Let's talk about Stacy here for
a moment, a corporate director
66
00:03:39,399 --> 00:03:40,863
I coached not too far back.
67
00:03:41,036 --> 00:03:43,745
Brilliant woman, climbing the
corporate ladder, checking all the
68
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:47,381
boxes, but she came to me completely
burned out, anxiety through the
69
00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:49,154
roof, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus.
70
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,781
"I don't understand," she told me.
71
00:03:51,045 --> 00:03:52,436
"I practice gratitude every morning.
72
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:55,727
I, I only follow positive
accounts on my social media feeds.
73
00:03:55,927 --> 00:03:57,190
I never complain about work.
74
00:03:57,372 --> 00:04:01,072
I'm doing everything right, but I feel
like I'm dying inside." And that's
75
00:04:01,072 --> 00:04:04,818
when I told her about the twisted
history of how we all got here.
76
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,136
You see, this didn't happen
overnight, ladies and gentlemen.
77
00:04:07,336 --> 00:04:11,927
The roots of the positive thinking
movement go all the way back to 1945.
78
00:04:12,009 --> 00:04:16,718
Right after World War II ended, a group of
psychologists began shifting their focus.
79
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:20,572
Instead of helping people work through
negative feelings, they started
80
00:04:20,572 --> 00:04:25,927
encouraging people to simply think in
more positive ways as a way to dispel
81
00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,299
anxiety, to dispel anger and depression.
82
00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:31,636
On the surface, let's be honest,
that sounds reasonable, right?
83
00:04:31,827 --> 00:04:33,000
Yeah, some of you are nodding, okay.
84
00:04:33,209 --> 00:04:37,181
But it planted this poisonous
seed at the same time.
85
00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:42,681
Then 1954 rolls around, Abraham Maslow
coined the term positive psychology in
86
00:04:42,681 --> 00:04:44,909
his book Motivation and Personality.
87
00:04:45,090 --> 00:04:48,627
Now, to be clear, positive
psychology as a legitimate field of
88
00:04:48,627 --> 00:04:50,990
scientific study is not the problem.
89
00:04:51,018 --> 00:04:51,718
Don't get me wrong.
90
00:04:52,063 --> 00:04:53,736
Don't come at me with
the hate in the comments.
91
00:04:53,809 --> 00:04:58,263
When Martin Seligman launched the modern
positive psychology movement in 1998,
92
00:04:58,327 --> 00:05:03,200
he was explicitly distinguishing his
rigorous evidence-based work from the
93
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,736
kind of simplistic positive thinking
that toxic positivity represents, okay?
94
00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:10,354
So we're talking about
two different roads here.
95
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:16,781
The problem is what happened when that
idea got stripped out of its nuance and
96
00:05:16,781 --> 00:05:21,554
turned into bumper stickers and Instagram
captions and motivational posters.
97
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:22,827
Hang in there, baby, right?
98
00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:28,199
By 2011, the term toxic positivity
finally appeared in academic literature.
99
00:05:28,372 --> 00:05:29,800
Yeah, it took that long.
100
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,590
Researchers had given a name
to what millions of people
101
00:05:32,818 --> 00:05:34,145
were already experiencing.
102
00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:37,027
Research usually follows the
action happening, otherwise
103
00:05:37,027 --> 00:05:38,090
there's nothing to research, right?
104
00:05:38,299 --> 00:05:39,254
But here's what they found.
105
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:43,727
The research from 2024 established
that toxic positivity operates
106
00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:44,945
through two dimensions.
107
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:47,636
The first is the emotional
suppression conformity.
108
00:05:48,172 --> 00:05:51,318
All three words together, not emotional
suppression or, or just conformity.
109
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:54,763
It's emotional suppression
conformity, the social pressure to
110
00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:56,672
hide what you're actually feeling.
111
00:05:56,963 --> 00:05:59,627
The second is future optimism bias.
112
00:05:59,990 --> 00:06:05,063
Yeah, the insistence that things will
just work out without processing what's
113
00:06:05,063 --> 00:06:07,254
actually happened or happening right now.
114
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:11,699
Both are measurable, both are harmful,
and both, let's be honest, are everywhere.
115
00:06:11,890 --> 00:06:15,363
Then I introduced Stacy to something
called the white bear experiment.
116
00:06:15,618 --> 00:06:20,709
Way back in 1863, Russian novelist
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, I hope I didn't tear
117
00:06:20,709 --> 00:06:22,863
that name up, wrote something strange.
118
00:06:23,054 --> 00:06:27,627
"Try to pose for yourself a task,
not to think of a polar bear, and
119
00:06:27,627 --> 00:06:31,527
you will see that that cursed thing
will come to mind every minute."
120
00:06:32,045 --> 00:06:35,154
More than a century later,
Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner
121
00:06:35,254 --> 00:06:37,163
decided to test this in the lab.
122
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:42,181
He asked participants to verbalize their
thoughts for five minutes while actively
123
00:06:42,181 --> 00:06:47,009
trying not to think of a white bear, of
the polar bear, and if that white bear
124
00:06:47,009 --> 00:06:49,300
came to mind, they had to ring a bell.
125
00:06:49,599 --> 00:06:54,881
Despite explicit instructions to avoid
it, participants thought of a white bear
126
00:06:55,136 --> 00:06:57,745
more than once per minute on average.
127
00:06:57,845 --> 00:07:01,772
Yeah, trying not to think about
something made them think about it more.
128
00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:04,327
Stacy's, uh, eyes went a
little bit wide at this moment.
129
00:07:04,672 --> 00:07:07,463
"That's ex- that's exactly what
happens with me and my anxiety. The
130
00:07:07,463 --> 00:07:11,381
harder I try to be positive, the
worse it seems to get." Exactly.
131
00:07:11,509 --> 00:07:12,654
Bing, bing, bing, right?
132
00:07:12,681 --> 00:07:14,000
Winner, winner, chicken dinner here.
133
00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:18,454
Because Wegner discovered what's
called the ironic process theory.
134
00:07:18,727 --> 00:07:22,563
Your brain deploys two
simultaneous processes when
135
00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,090
you try to suppress a thought.
136
00:07:24,454 --> 00:07:28,200
The operating process uses
mental energy to push the thought
137
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,127
away, but the monitoring process
acts like a background scanner.
138
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:33,931
Right?
139
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:37,813
Constantly checking whether the
unwanted thought has surfaced.
140
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,404
But here's the kicker, the monitoring
process keeps the thought alive
141
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:45,886
and right at the front of your mind
when you're stressed, when you're
142
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:49,840
tired, and when you're mentally
stretched to the very end, right?
143
00:07:49,895 --> 00:07:52,249
Which probably describes
most of us out there.
144
00:07:52,249 --> 00:07:55,313
Most of us driven people, most
of the time, we're stressed
145
00:07:55,313 --> 00:07:56,304
and tired and stretched thin.
146
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:01,613
The operating process weakens because
we don't have the cognitive resources to
147
00:08:01,613 --> 00:08:05,904
sustain it, but the monitoring process
keeps right on a-chugging, right?
148
00:08:05,904 --> 00:08:06,677
You gotta keep scanning.
149
00:08:07,013 --> 00:08:08,049
I gotta keep myself safe.
150
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:12,122
So the very thought you're trying
to suppress ends up becoming
151
00:08:12,195 --> 00:08:14,304
even louder under pressure.
152
00:08:14,468 --> 00:08:19,195
Psychologists call this cycle rumination,
and it's one of the strongest predictors
153
00:08:19,395 --> 00:08:22,831
of depression and anxiety disorders
they, they've ever identified.
154
00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:25,040
But here's where it gets
even more fascinating.
155
00:08:25,177 --> 00:08:27,549
Wegner did find one thing that helped.
156
00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:31,468
In a follow-up study, his team
asked participants to think of a red
157
00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:34,286
Volkswagen instead of the white bear.
158
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,259
Giving people something specific
and concrete to redirect their
159
00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:40,122
attention to actually worked.
160
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:44,268
This is essentially what mindfulness
meditation teaches us, not through
161
00:08:44,268 --> 00:08:48,722
suppression, but through deliberate
thought redirection and acceptance.
162
00:08:48,777 --> 00:08:52,195
Neuroscientists at UCLA
call this effect labeling.
163
00:08:52,477 --> 00:08:57,340
The act of naming what you're feeling
actually reduces amygdala activation.
164
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:02,195
Putting words to emotions quite
literally calms your nervous
165
00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:04,104
system at a biological level.
166
00:09:04,268 --> 00:09:08,095
So all that said, go ahead and
replace white bear with the
167
00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:09,859
anxiety you have about your career.
168
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:10,895
Replace it with grief.
169
00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:13,559
Replace it with the fear
that you're not good enough.
170
00:09:13,768 --> 00:09:18,313
When you try to think positively
and push your feelings down, what
171
00:09:18,595 --> 00:09:23,440
ACT therapists call experiential
avoidance, you're not solving anything.
172
00:09:23,750 --> 00:09:27,050
You're actually activating
the exact mechanisms that's
173
00:09:27,050 --> 00:09:28,795
going to make them louder.
174
00:09:29,286 --> 00:09:30,659
Yeah, and it gets worse.
175
00:09:30,795 --> 00:09:33,559
There's a social cognition
effect that no one's even talking
176
00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:35,195
about, except for me right now.
177
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,931
There may be others out there,
but I haven't heard them.
178
00:09:37,150 --> 00:09:41,968
Research shows that suppression
increases psychological stress responses,
179
00:09:42,013 --> 00:09:45,159
not just in the person suppressing
them, but the people around them.
180
00:09:45,522 --> 00:09:49,977
Yeah Your partner, your kids, your
colleagues, your friends, they
181
00:09:49,977 --> 00:09:53,568
sense something is off, and that
elevates their stress level as well.
182
00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:56,940
Emotional suppression turns out to
be contagious, ladies and gentlemen,
183
00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:58,886
and contagious in the worst way.
184
00:09:59,013 --> 00:10:02,722
All right, so here's a step-by-step
breakdown of what's actually happening in
185
00:10:02,722 --> 00:10:07,304
your brain and your body when you suppress
emotions and what you should do instead.
186
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:10,459
All right, step one, let's understand
the neuroscience real quick, shall we?
187
00:10:10,786 --> 00:10:15,359
Using functional MRI scans, researchers
found that when you consciously
188
00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:18,849
suppress your emotions, activity in
your amygdala, that's your brain's
189
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,113
emotional processing center, decreases.
190
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,150
Sounds good, right?
191
00:10:23,095 --> 00:10:23,540
Wrong.
192
00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:24,713
Here's what else is happening.
193
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:30,268
Both conscious and unconscious
emotional suppression reduces functional
194
00:10:30,268 --> 00:10:35,668
connectivity in the brain regions that
help us encode emotional memories.
195
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:36,477
What does that mean?
196
00:10:36,577 --> 00:10:41,677
Okay, your brain is literally changing how
it processes and stores the experience.
197
00:10:41,904 --> 00:10:46,731
Here's a top-down inhibitory
control signal from the dorsolateral
198
00:10:46,731 --> 00:10:50,631
prefrontal cortex targeting both
the hippocampus and the amygdala.
199
00:10:50,922 --> 00:10:54,540
A lot of big words there, and my tongue
just stu- stumbled over a couple of them.
200
00:10:54,768 --> 00:10:58,704
Effectively, you're not just dampening
the emotion, you're literally disrupting
201
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:02,540
the entire memory and emotional
processing system in your noggin.
202
00:11:02,822 --> 00:11:02,977
Yeah.
203
00:11:03,104 --> 00:11:06,959
James Gross at Stanford University, one
of the most cited emotional regulation
204
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:10,968
researchers in the world, has spent
decades proving that suppression
205
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:15,140
is fundamentally different from
healthier strategies like reappraisal.
206
00:11:15,404 --> 00:11:18,440
Reappraisal is reframing how
you think about a situation.
207
00:11:18,686 --> 00:11:21,940
It decreases both the experience
and the expression of negative
208
00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:24,913
emotion with no impact on memory.
209
00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:25,368
What?
210
00:11:25,731 --> 00:11:26,059
Yeah.
211
00:11:26,313 --> 00:11:30,431
Suppression, it might reduce the outward
expression of your emotion, but it
212
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:35,695
fails to decrease the actual emotional
experience, and it impairs your memory.
213
00:11:35,922 --> 00:11:36,213
Yeah.
214
00:11:36,359 --> 00:11:36,904
You feel me?
215
00:11:36,931 --> 00:11:38,313
You, you, you getting this?
216
00:11:38,404 --> 00:11:43,604
Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT,
is built on reappraisal as its core
217
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:48,831
mechanism, which is precisely why it has
such strong evidence base compared to
218
00:11:48,831 --> 00:11:51,659
just s- telling someone to stay positive.
219
00:11:52,204 --> 00:11:52,531
Okay?
220
00:11:52,804 --> 00:11:53,968
You don't feel better.
221
00:11:54,195 --> 00:11:57,677
You just look fine while you're
falling apart on the inside.
222
00:11:58,113 --> 00:12:01,613
And on top of all of that, you're
starting to forget things, maybe
223
00:12:01,613 --> 00:12:02,595
things you need to remember.
224
00:12:02,686 --> 00:12:02,877
Okay?
225
00:12:03,195 --> 00:12:06,477
Step two, let's recognize
the physical costs here.
226
00:12:06,586 --> 00:12:09,977
A landmark study followed seven hundred
and twenty-nine folks over twelve
227
00:12:09,977 --> 00:12:12,313
years, tracking deaths from all causes.
228
00:12:12,395 --> 00:12:16,513
People who scored in the seventy-fifth
percentile of emotional suppression had a
229
00:12:16,513 --> 00:12:21,295
thirty-five percent higher risk of dying
from any cause during the study period.
230
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:26,454
Earlier epidemiological evidence
from Yugoslavian cohort study found
231
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:30,745
that suppression-prone personality
styles predicted 10-year all-cause
232
00:12:30,745 --> 00:12:35,145
mortality, cardiovascular dise-
disease mortality, and cancer death.
233
00:12:35,281 --> 00:12:36,236
They died faster.
234
00:12:36,536 --> 00:12:37,327
I'm just saying.
235
00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:39,454
The mechanism is kind of straightforward.
236
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:44,445
Chronic emotional suppression keeps
your stress response system activated.
237
00:12:44,672 --> 00:12:46,654
It just steps on the gas for you.
238
00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:51,454
The cortisol, the adrenaline, and the
inflammatory markers, they don't shut off.
239
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:55,909
According to the Mayo Clinic, this
chronic activation disrupts every
240
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:59,972
system in your body: heart disease,
hypertension, depression, digestive
241
00:12:59,972 --> 00:13:04,581
problems, immune dysfunction, sleep
disruption, headaches, muscle tension.
242
00:13:04,772 --> 00:13:05,745
The list goes on.
243
00:13:06,081 --> 00:13:10,163
Your body is keeping score even though
your Instagram says everything is fine.
244
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:10,954
You feel me?
245
00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:11,436
Okay.
246
00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:15,009
Step number three, let's
understand the shame spiral.
247
00:13:15,199 --> 00:13:17,836
Oh, I'm gonna lose a couple people
right here, but that's okay.
248
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,963
You know me, I'm gonna... I'm
pulling punches, 'cause here
249
00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:22,236
is the most insidious part.
250
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,372
Toxic positivity creates shame.
251
00:13:25,681 --> 00:13:25,990
Yeah.
252
00:13:26,336 --> 00:13:27,836
Cancel culture magnified right there.
253
00:13:28,045 --> 00:13:28,354
Okay?
254
00:13:28,427 --> 00:13:34,000
When you are told that the solution to
your pain is to simply think positive and
255
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,890
you still can't do it, you don't come to
the conclusion that the advice is bad.
256
00:13:38,190 --> 00:13:41,427
You end up coming to the
conclusion that you are broken.
257
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:41,963
Yeah.
258
00:13:42,272 --> 00:13:42,936
What the hell?
259
00:13:43,109 --> 00:13:48,009
Research from Brené Brown confirmed that
emotional suppression drives higher levels
260
00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:54,700
of anxiety, depression, and burnout, in
part because of exactly this shame spiral.
261
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,936
A Jed Foundation survey found that 43%
of college students reported their mental
262
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:05,809
health being worse than ever, with 82%
experiencing anxiety in the past month.
263
00:14:06,281 --> 00:14:09,772
Research from Brock University
found that for young perfectionists,
264
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:13,290
the positive vibes only culture
didn't help them cope at all.
265
00:14:13,318 --> 00:14:16,709
Instead, it increased their
stress and their self-criticism.
266
00:14:17,036 --> 00:14:20,799
These young people come to see
sadness, anxiety, anger, and
267
00:14:20,799 --> 00:14:25,081
frustration not just as difficult
emotions, but as personal failures.
268
00:14:25,154 --> 00:14:25,381
What?
269
00:14:25,836 --> 00:14:26,063
Yeah.
270
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:31,063
Some researchers even studied alexithymia,
the clinical term for difficulty
271
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:34,572
identifying and describing your own
emotions, and the evidence suggests
272
00:14:34,572 --> 00:14:39,272
that cultures of suppression actively
train people towards that condition.
273
00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:43,445
You become emotionally illiterate
about your own inner world, your
274
00:14:43,445 --> 00:14:44,890
life, your heart, your feelings.
275
00:14:44,954 --> 00:14:45,236
Yeah.
276
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:45,872
Okay?
277
00:14:46,027 --> 00:14:46,490
You with me?
278
00:14:46,545 --> 00:14:49,999
Step four, let's apply some
research-backed alternative here.
279
00:14:50,745 --> 00:14:53,181
All right, so now I've given
you all the doom and gloom.
280
00:14:53,181 --> 00:14:54,845
Here's where we get a little bit hopeful.
281
00:14:54,963 --> 00:14:58,890
A series of landmark studies led by Brett
Ford at the University of Toronto examined
282
00:14:59,245 --> 00:15:03,809
what happens when people habitually
just accept their mental experiences
283
00:15:03,809 --> 00:15:05,418
rather than stand there and judge them.
284
00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:07,963
Study one included over
1,000 participants.
285
00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:11,763
Study two, uh, brought 156
people into the lab, and study
286
00:15:11,763 --> 00:15:16,154
three followed 222 participants
over the course of six months.
287
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:20,436
The findings held consistent across all
three studies, even though they were done
288
00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:24,972
differently People who habitually accept
their emotional experiences, including
289
00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:29,318
the negative ones, yeah, well, let's lean
into that, reported greater psychological
290
00:15:29,318 --> 00:15:31,163
health in as little as six months later.
291
00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:35,799
This held true regardless of gender,
ethnicity, or socioeconomic status.
292
00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:40,081
These people were simply less likely
to respond negatively when stress
293
00:15:40,245 --> 00:15:43,872
hit them, and here's the paradox
that makes this so damn powerful.
294
00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,527
Accepting negative experiences
was associated with lower
295
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:49,981
negative emotion overall.
296
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:51,563
Yeah, let that one sink in for a moment.
297
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:55,790
When you stop freaking fighting your
difficult feelings, when you stop
298
00:15:55,945 --> 00:16:00,599
judging yourself for even having them,
they will actually fade away faster
299
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:02,936
and cause less distress in your world.
300
00:16:03,145 --> 00:16:06,645
Acceptance is especially effective
when you're under high stress,
301
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:11,545
which is precisely when we're most
tempted to slap on a smile and try
302
00:16:11,545 --> 00:16:12,763
to push through them, isn't it?
303
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:13,418
Go ahead.
304
00:16:13,627 --> 00:16:14,836
You know you're one of those folks.
305
00:16:14,872 --> 00:16:15,890
Yeah, okay, raise your hand.
306
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:16,581
No problem.
307
00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:19,754
Step five, practice emotional agility.
308
00:16:19,809 --> 00:16:19,954
Yeah.
309
00:16:20,199 --> 00:16:23,036
Okay, no, we don't need you to,
you know, get into any leaning
310
00:16:23,036 --> 00:16:26,209
poses or anything to s- to stretch
your muscles, but hear me out.
311
00:16:26,609 --> 00:16:31,827
Dr. Susan David of Harvard Medical School,
whose work was named a Management Idea
312
00:16:31,827 --> 00:16:36,072
of the Year by Harvard Business Review,
she developed what she calls emotional
313
00:16:36,118 --> 00:16:40,418
agility, and her perspective is shaped
by something a little bit profound.
314
00:16:40,445 --> 00:16:43,945
I mean, she grew up in apartheid
in South Africa, where she saw
315
00:16:43,945 --> 00:16:48,418
firsthand how denying the reality
of the situation can in fact carry
316
00:16:48,418 --> 00:16:51,236
destructive power over an entire country.
317
00:16:51,381 --> 00:16:53,427
If you don't know what I'm talking
about, check out apartheid in
318
00:16:53,427 --> 00:16:54,654
South Africa in your history.
319
00:16:54,827 --> 00:16:54,990
Okay?
320
00:16:55,209 --> 00:16:58,890
But here's her four-step process,
and it's backed by over 1,000
321
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:01,409
randomized controlled trials.
322
00:17:01,509 --> 00:17:02,536
First, show up.
323
00:17:02,818 --> 00:17:03,136
Okay?
324
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,727
So many of us have a problem with this.
325
00:17:04,781 --> 00:17:05,209
Show up.
326
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:09,799
Face your thoughts and emotions
with curiosity instead of avoidance.
327
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,690
When that anxiety hits, instead
of thinking, "I shouldn't
328
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,990
feel this way," right?
329
00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:17,645
Go ahead and try thinking something like
this: "Oh, this is interesting. I wonder
330
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,463
what this anxiety is trying to tell me."
331
00:17:20,681 --> 00:17:20,818
Right?
332
00:17:20,845 --> 00:17:22,190
It's a signal, ladies and gentlemen.
333
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:22,836
I'm just saying.
334
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,218
Second, step out.
335
00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:27,772
Detach from your emotions
just enough to observe them
336
00:17:28,072 --> 00:17:29,509
without being consumed by them.
337
00:17:29,609 --> 00:17:31,499
You are not your emotions.
338
00:17:31,681 --> 00:17:34,299
You are the observer of your emotions.
339
00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:38,600
This is what dialectical behaviors
therapy, DBT, calls mindful
340
00:17:38,636 --> 00:17:40,809
observation of emotional experience.
341
00:17:41,072 --> 00:17:43,427
You're seeing the emotion
without becoming it.
342
00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:44,354
The emotion.
343
00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,590
Third, walk your why.
344
00:17:46,818 --> 00:17:47,436
Take a moment.
345
00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:51,245
Reconnect with your core
values to guide your behavior.
346
00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:55,563
That frustration at work might be
telling you that you value autonomy.
347
00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:58,800
That sadness after a relationship
fades away might be telling
348
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,199
you, you value connection.
349
00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:04,327
When you push aside difficult
emotions in the service of forced
350
00:18:04,327 --> 00:18:08,790
positivity, you also push aside
what those emotions are teaching us
351
00:18:08,918 --> 00:18:11,545
about our innermost values, right?
352
00:18:11,772 --> 00:18:12,863
There's a lesson there to be learned.
353
00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:14,500
And then fourth, move on.
354
00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:15,790
I know, right?
355
00:18:16,027 --> 00:18:20,772
Make small, deliberate changes that align
with who you want to be, not based on
356
00:18:20,772 --> 00:18:25,609
suppressing what you feel, but based on
honoring what those feelings are teaching
357
00:18:25,609 --> 00:18:28,018
you about your deeply held values.
358
00:18:28,118 --> 00:18:32,172
And in step six, this is called
practice strategic optimism.
359
00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:35,081
This comes from Viktor Frankl, the
Holocaust survivor I mentioned earlier,
360
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,163
and he's the founder of logo therapy.
361
00:18:37,454 --> 00:18:39,754
He understood something most people miss.
362
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:42,090
He called it tragic optimism.
363
00:18:42,636 --> 00:18:44,663
Unfortunately, I've been
through a level of this.
364
00:18:44,663 --> 00:18:45,999
Of course, I wasn't a Holocaust survivor.
365
00:18:46,445 --> 00:18:50,563
The death of, uh, an 18-month-old daughter
kind of teaches you tragic optimism.
366
00:18:50,718 --> 00:18:56,100
And this is the ability to maintain
hope and find meaning While fully
367
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,572
acknowledging the reality of suffering.
368
00:18:59,118 --> 00:19:00,409
You're not denying the pain.
369
00:19:00,818 --> 00:19:04,354
You're not performing happiness,
but you're holding both truths out
370
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,454
there in front of you at the same
time because they're both there.
371
00:19:07,627 --> 00:19:12,145
Your negative emotions are not obstacles,
they're signposts, and when you suppress
372
00:19:12,145 --> 00:19:17,100
them, you lose the signal, you lose the
data, you lose your compass, and you get
373
00:19:17,209 --> 00:19:19,690
lost on the winding path that is life.
374
00:19:19,918 --> 00:19:22,881
And if this is hitting you right where,
right where you live, g- well, good.
375
00:19:23,081 --> 00:19:25,909
And if you're tired of pretending
everything's fine when it's
376
00:19:25,936 --> 00:19:27,181
not, I want to get you on...
377
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,545
I want to get you on my newsletter.
378
00:19:28,572 --> 00:19:32,800
The Unleash Your Success DNA is for my
aspiring folks out there who wanna do
379
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,609
better, but who are done with surface
lev- level advice and are ready for
380
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,318
the real work of transformation.
381
00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:42,154
Each issue continues to deliver
mindset shifts and habit upgrades,
382
00:19:42,154 --> 00:19:45,981
and still mixed with my little dose of
rebellion, helping you break free from
383
00:19:45,981 --> 00:19:49,327
convention so that you can build a life
aligned with your version of success.
384
00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:54,372
No toxic positivity, no fake inspiration,
just truths I think that works.
385
00:19:54,399 --> 00:19:56,718
Go ahead and check it out
at yoursuccessdna.com.
386
00:19:57,645 --> 00:19:57,845
Okay.
387
00:19:58,099 --> 00:20:01,836
Now, let's step back here for a
moment and answer the question of why
388
00:20:01,836 --> 00:20:04,054
this matters at a much larger scale.
389
00:20:04,281 --> 00:20:07,154
Because we're living through
what I'm going to call the great
390
00:20:07,209 --> 00:20:09,045
emotional suppression, right?
391
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:12,772
A- an entire generation, maybe
two, have been taught that negative
392
00:20:12,772 --> 00:20:17,109
emotions are in fact personal failures
instead of valuable information.
393
00:20:17,409 --> 00:20:21,672
Dr. Susan David, she put it bluntly,
"There is no research supporting
394
00:20:21,672 --> 00:20:25,609
the idea that false positivity,"
which is a denial of our experience,
395
00:20:25,636 --> 00:20:28,109
"is helpful to us as human beings."
396
00:20:28,281 --> 00:20:30,390
None, nada, zip, zero.
397
00:20:30,418 --> 00:20:33,427
Not a single study, yet
we keep freaking doing it.
398
00:20:33,627 --> 00:20:35,818
We keep telling people
things could be worse.
399
00:20:36,054 --> 00:20:38,336
We keep posting positive vibes only.
400
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,990
We keep saying everything happens
for a reason to someone who just
401
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:45,690
lost their job or a relationship
or, like me, a loved one.
402
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:48,245
This isn't just about individual wellness.
403
00:20:48,427 --> 00:20:52,318
This is about reclaiming your
humanity in a world that profits
404
00:20:52,472 --> 00:20:54,518
from our emotional numbness.
405
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:59,636
We've created a culture where authenticity
seems somehow revolutionary, and feeling
406
00:20:59,636 --> 00:21:01,645
your feelings becomes an act of rebellion.
407
00:21:01,736 --> 00:21:01,936
What?
408
00:21:01,936 --> 00:21:03,154
What's up with that?
409
00:21:03,445 --> 00:21:06,763
The people who truly thrive aren't
the ones who never feel pain.
410
00:21:07,018 --> 00:21:09,754
They're the ones who learn to
feel it fully, understand what
411
00:21:09,754 --> 00:21:13,554
it's telling them, and then move
forward with that new clarity.
412
00:21:13,827 --> 00:21:16,590
So here is your Whiskered
Wisdom for this week.
413
00:21:16,690 --> 00:21:20,772
The next time you catch yourself saying,
"I shouldn't feel this way," or, "I
414
00:21:20,772 --> 00:21:26,181
need to stay positive," pause and ask
yourself- What is this emotion trying
415
00:21:26,181 --> 00:21:28,718
to teach me about what it is I value?
416
00:21:28,981 --> 00:21:33,063
Don't judge it, don't fix it,
don't know, just listen to it.
417
00:21:33,436 --> 00:21:37,418
Because here's what I know after decades
of looking around and studying human
418
00:21:37,418 --> 00:21:41,700
behavior and working with so many amazing
people across all walks of life, you
419
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:45,636
don't need to be positive all the damn
time, but you do need to be honest,
420
00:21:45,827 --> 00:21:50,081
you do need to be present, and most
importantly, you do need to stop treating
421
00:21:50,081 --> 00:21:54,872
your difficult emotions like enemies
and start treating them like messengers.
422
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,654
That's not toxic positivity.
423
00:21:56,827 --> 00:21:58,227
That, my friend, is real strength.
424
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:01,718
That's emotional agility, and
that's how you build a life that's
425
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:06,063
actually worth living instead of
just looking good on social media.
426
00:22:06,336 --> 00:22:09,272
Remember, your emotions,
all of them, are data.
427
00:22:09,527 --> 00:22:12,281
They're telling you something
important about who you really
428
00:22:12,281 --> 00:22:13,927
are and what you really value.
429
00:22:14,245 --> 00:22:18,690
The world doesn't need yet another person
pretending everything is fine, especially
430
00:22:18,690 --> 00:22:20,672
not for the sake of an Instagram feed.
431
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:25,490
It needs you, the real you, unedited,
truly authentic, and one hundred
432
00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:27,518
percent emotionally intelligent.
433
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:29,727
Stop suppressing, start listening.
434
00:22:30,009 --> 00:22:33,972
Stop performing happiness and
start building real resilience.
435
00:22:34,236 --> 00:22:35,863
Think successfully and take action.
00:00:00,027 --> 00:00:03,372
You know that feeling when someone
tells you to just think positive?
2
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,263
Yeah, someone popped
into your head right now.
3
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:07,818
And they tell you to just think
positive while your whole world
4
00:00:07,818 --> 00:00:09,227
seems to be crashing down around you.
5
00:00:09,545 --> 00:00:10,154
What happens?
6
00:00:10,272 --> 00:00:12,545
Yeah, that rage kind of
bubbles up inside you.
7
00:00:12,690 --> 00:00:14,609
And if you know what I'm
talking about, then good.
8
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:19,236
That rage is your soul refusing
to be silenced because here's what
9
00:00:19,263 --> 00:00:23,127
no one is telling you about toxic
positivity and emotional suppression.
10
00:00:23,381 --> 00:00:26,936
It's not just useless, it's
literally killing you, and I've
11
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,554
got the science to prove it.
12
00:00:29,954 --> 00:00:31,572
Your Success DNA Podcast.
13
00:00:31,809 --> 00:00:33,345
Your success- Is in your DNA
14
00:00:34,045 --> 00:00:34,490
What is up?
15
00:00:34,518 --> 00:00:34,927
What is up?
16
00:00:34,972 --> 00:00:36,881
What the hell is up, my
fellow success seekers?
17
00:00:36,881 --> 00:00:41,672
Welcome back to another episode of Your
Success DNA, that podcast for my aspiring
18
00:00:41,672 --> 00:00:45,654
I-want-to-do-better guys and gals out
there, aspiring entrepreneurs, and even
19
00:00:45,654 --> 00:00:47,336
those nine-to-five escapees out there.
20
00:00:47,418 --> 00:00:51,190
Each episode delivers mindset shifts,
habit upgrades, and a little dose
21
00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:53,827
of rebellion, 'cause you know we're
all a little different, right?
22
00:00:53,918 --> 00:00:56,781
All designed to help you break free
from convention so that you can build
23
00:00:56,881 --> 00:01:00,663
not just a business, but maybe a life
aligned with your version of success.
24
00:01:00,872 --> 00:01:03,490
And if you know someone who dreams
of ditching the grind, but still
25
00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:06,545
finds a little time for some personal
development and a little self-help
26
00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:09,354
out there, you might want to go ahead
and forward this episode to them.
27
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,781
Okay, so as I kind of alluded to,
we're gonna be talking about the toxic
28
00:01:12,918 --> 00:01:17,954
truth about the good vibes only crowd
out there, and why your brain tends
29
00:01:17,954 --> 00:01:20,518
to rebel against forced positivity.
30
00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,981
Here's the three things I want
you to come away with today.
31
00:01:23,009 --> 00:01:26,327
First, we're diving into the
neuroscience nightmare of emotional
32
00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:30,363
suppression, why trying to think your
way out of negative emotions literally
33
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:36,100
rewires your brain for failure and
increases your risk of death by 35%.
34
00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:40,672
We're talking amygdala hijacking,
MRI evidence, and why researchers
35
00:01:40,672 --> 00:01:44,372
from Stanford and Harvard agree
that suppression is one of the
36
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,490
most dangerous emotional regulation
strategies that you could be using.
37
00:01:48,636 --> 00:01:53,027
Second, I'm gonna be revealing the
white bear experiment, Daniel Wegner's
38
00:01:53,027 --> 00:01:57,136
landmark research that proves why
"Don't think about it" is about the
39
00:01:57,136 --> 00:01:59,109
worst advice you've ever received.
40
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:02,145
If you're still receiving it, then
you're gonna wanna hear me out here in
41
00:02:02,145 --> 00:02:07,690
how this discovery from 1863 Dvorskoy
all the way to Wegner's 1987 lab
42
00:02:07,809 --> 00:02:12,818
explains why you can't stop obsessing
over what's actually bothering you.
43
00:02:13,027 --> 00:02:16,163
Psychologists call this rumination,
and I mentioned this a couple
44
00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:20,736
episodes ago, and toxic positivity
is turbocharging your rumination.
45
00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:25,690
And third, as if all that wasn't
enough, we're exploring tragic optimism.
46
00:02:25,727 --> 00:02:30,163
This is Viktor Frankl's Holocaust
survivor secret to holding hope and
47
00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:35,500
suffering simultaneously, and why this
approach builds real resilience instead
48
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,345
of Instagram-worthy fake strengths.
49
00:02:37,372 --> 00:02:41,127
So let's start with the truth that's gonna
make a lot of the self-help industrial
50
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,272
complex very, very uncomfortable.
51
00:02:43,536 --> 00:02:49,099
Good vibes isn't just bad advice, it's
emotional violence disguised as wellness.
52
00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:51,227
And, and I want you to
hear me clearly on this.
53
00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:55,709
I'm not talking about genuine optimism,
not talking about genuine gratitude
54
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,700
or hope or real resilience, because
those are real, and those are very,
55
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:03,409
very powerful tools, and they have
decades of research behind them.
56
00:03:03,681 --> 00:03:08,609
What I'm talking about is something
far more insidious Toxic positivity,
57
00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:13,272
the cultural cancer that's quietly
embedding itself into our workplace,
58
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:17,299
into our social media feeds, and
even into the way we raise our kids.
59
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:18,281
Yeah, okay?
60
00:03:18,472 --> 00:03:22,090
And if, if you've ever felt guilty for
feeling sad, for feeling anxious, or
61
00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:26,172
feeling angry or frustrated, if you've
ever been told to just look on the
62
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:29,872
bright side when your entire world is
crumbling down around your shoulders,
63
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:34,563
you've experienced emotional suppression
firsthand, and it's making you miserable
64
00:03:34,772 --> 00:03:36,736
in ways you probably did not even realize.
65
00:03:36,736 --> 00:03:39,399
Let's talk about Stacy here for
a moment, a corporate director
66
00:03:39,399 --> 00:03:40,863
I coached not too far back.
67
00:03:41,036 --> 00:03:43,745
Brilliant woman, climbing the
corporate ladder, checking all the
68
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:47,381
boxes, but she came to me completely
burned out, anxiety through the
69
00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:49,154
roof, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus.
70
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,781
"I don't understand," she told me.
71
00:03:51,045 --> 00:03:52,436
"I practice gratitude every morning.
72
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:55,727
I, I only follow positive
accounts on my social media feeds.
73
00:03:55,927 --> 00:03:57,190
I never complain about work.
74
00:03:57,372 --> 00:04:01,072
I'm doing everything right, but I feel
like I'm dying inside." And that's
75
00:04:01,072 --> 00:04:04,818
when I told her about the twisted
history of how we all got here.
76
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,136
You see, this didn't happen
overnight, ladies and gentlemen.
77
00:04:07,336 --> 00:04:11,927
The roots of the positive thinking
movement go all the way back to 1945.
78
00:04:12,009 --> 00:04:16,718
Right after World War II ended, a group of
psychologists began shifting their focus.
79
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:20,572
Instead of helping people work through
negative feelings, they started
80
00:04:20,572 --> 00:04:25,927
encouraging people to simply think in
more positive ways as a way to dispel
81
00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,299
anxiety, to dispel anger and depression.
82
00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:31,636
On the surface, let's be honest,
that sounds reasonable, right?
83
00:04:31,827 --> 00:04:33,000
Yeah, some of you are nodding, okay.
84
00:04:33,209 --> 00:04:37,181
But it planted this poisonous
seed at the same time.
85
00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:42,681
Then 1954 rolls around, Abraham Maslow
coined the term positive psychology in
86
00:04:42,681 --> 00:04:44,909
his book Motivation and Personality.
87
00:04:45,090 --> 00:04:48,627
Now, to be clear, positive
psychology as a legitimate field of
88
00:04:48,627 --> 00:04:50,990
scientific study is not the problem.
89
00:04:51,018 --> 00:04:51,718
Don't get me wrong.
90
00:04:52,063 --> 00:04:53,736
Don't come at me with
the hate in the comments.
91
00:04:53,809 --> 00:04:58,263
When Martin Seligman launched the modern
positive psychology movement in 1998,
92
00:04:58,327 --> 00:05:03,200
he was explicitly distinguishing his
rigorous evidence-based work from the
93
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,736
kind of simplistic positive thinking
that toxic positivity represents, okay?
94
00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:10,354
So we're talking about
two different roads here.
95
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:16,781
The problem is what happened when that
idea got stripped out of its nuance and
96
00:05:16,781 --> 00:05:21,554
turned into bumper stickers and Instagram
captions and motivational posters.
97
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:22,827
Hang in there, baby, right?
98
00:05:22,999 --> 00:05:28,199
By 2011, the term toxic positivity
finally appeared in academic literature.
99
00:05:28,372 --> 00:05:29,800
Yeah, it took that long.
100
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,590
Researchers had given a name
to what millions of people
101
00:05:32,818 --> 00:05:34,145
were already experiencing.
102
00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:37,027
Research usually follows the
action happening, otherwise
103
00:05:37,027 --> 00:05:38,090
there's nothing to research, right?
104
00:05:38,299 --> 00:05:39,254
But here's what they found.
105
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:43,727
The research from 2024 established
that toxic positivity operates
106
00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:44,945
through two dimensions.
107
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:47,636
The first is the emotional
suppression conformity.
108
00:05:48,172 --> 00:05:51,318
All three words together, not emotional
suppression or, or just conformity.
109
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:54,763
It's emotional suppression
conformity, the social pressure to
110
00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:56,672
hide what you're actually feeling.
111
00:05:56,963 --> 00:05:59,627
The second is future optimism bias.
112
00:05:59,990 --> 00:06:05,063
Yeah, the insistence that things will
just work out without processing what's
113
00:06:05,063 --> 00:06:07,254
actually happened or happening right now.
114
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:11,699
Both are measurable, both are harmful,
and both, let's be honest, are everywhere.
115
00:06:11,890 --> 00:06:15,363
Then I introduced Stacy to something
called the white bear experiment.
116
00:06:15,618 --> 00:06:20,709
Way back in 1863, Russian novelist
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, I hope I didn't tear
117
00:06:20,709 --> 00:06:22,863
that name up, wrote something strange.
118
00:06:23,054 --> 00:06:27,627
"Try to pose for yourself a task,
not to think of a polar bear, and
119
00:06:27,627 --> 00:06:31,527
you will see that that cursed thing
will come to mind every minute."
120
00:06:32,045 --> 00:06:35,154
More than a century later,
Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner
121
00:06:35,254 --> 00:06:37,163
decided to test this in the lab.
122
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:42,181
He asked participants to verbalize their
thoughts for five minutes while actively
123
00:06:42,181 --> 00:06:47,009
trying not to think of a white bear, of
the polar bear, and if that white bear
124
00:06:47,009 --> 00:06:49,300
came to mind, they had to ring a bell.
125
00:06:49,599 --> 00:06:54,881
Despite explicit instructions to avoid
it, participants thought of a white bear
126
00:06:55,136 --> 00:06:57,745
more than once per minute on average.
127
00:06:57,845 --> 00:07:01,772
Yeah, trying not to think about
something made them think about it more.
128
00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:04,327
Stacy's, uh, eyes went a
little bit wide at this moment.
129
00:07:04,672 --> 00:07:07,463
"That's ex- that's exactly what
happens with me and my anxiety. The
130
00:07:07,463 --> 00:07:11,381
harder I try to be positive, the
worse it seems to get." Exactly.
131
00:07:11,509 --> 00:07:12,654
Bing, bing, bing, right?
132
00:07:12,681 --> 00:07:14,000
Winner, winner, chicken dinner here.
133
00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:18,454
Because Wegner discovered what's
called the ironic process theory.
134
00:07:18,727 --> 00:07:22,563
Your brain deploys two
simultaneous processes when
135
00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,090
you try to suppress a thought.
136
00:07:24,454 --> 00:07:28,200
The operating process uses
mental energy to push the thought
137
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,127
away, but the monitoring process
acts like a background scanner.
138
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:33,931
Right?
139
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:37,813
Constantly checking whether the
unwanted thought has surfaced.
140
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,404
But here's the kicker, the monitoring
process keeps the thought alive
141
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:45,886
and right at the front of your mind
when you're stressed, when you're
142
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:49,840
tired, and when you're mentally
stretched to the very end, right?
143
00:07:49,895 --> 00:07:52,249
Which probably describes
most of us out there.
144
00:07:52,249 --> 00:07:55,313
Most of us driven people, most
of the time, we're stressed
145
00:07:55,313 --> 00:07:56,304
and tired and stretched thin.
146
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:01,613
The operating process weakens because
we don't have the cognitive resources to
147
00:08:01,613 --> 00:08:05,904
sustain it, but the monitoring process
keeps right on a-chugging, right?
148
00:08:05,904 --> 00:08:06,677
You gotta keep scanning.
149
00:08:07,013 --> 00:08:08,049
I gotta keep myself safe.
150
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:12,122
So the very thought you're trying
to suppress ends up becoming
151
00:08:12,195 --> 00:08:14,304
even louder under pressure.
152
00:08:14,468 --> 00:08:19,195
Psychologists call this cycle rumination,
and it's one of the strongest predictors
153
00:08:19,395 --> 00:08:22,831
of depression and anxiety disorders
they, they've ever identified.
154
00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:25,040
But here's where it gets
even more fascinating.
155
00:08:25,177 --> 00:08:27,549
Wegner did find one thing that helped.
156
00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:31,468
In a follow-up study, his team
asked participants to think of a red
157
00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:34,286
Volkswagen instead of the white bear.
158
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,259
Giving people something specific
and concrete to redirect their
159
00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:40,122
attention to actually worked.
160
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:44,268
This is essentially what mindfulness
meditation teaches us, not through
161
00:08:44,268 --> 00:08:48,722
suppression, but through deliberate
thought redirection and acceptance.
162
00:08:48,777 --> 00:08:52,195
Neuroscientists at UCLA
call this effect labeling.
163
00:08:52,477 --> 00:08:57,340
The act of naming what you're feeling
actually reduces amygdala activation.
164
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:02,195
Putting words to emotions quite
literally calms your nervous
165
00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:04,104
system at a biological level.
166
00:09:04,268 --> 00:09:08,095
So all that said, go ahead and
replace white bear with the
167
00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:09,859
anxiety you have about your career.
168
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:10,895
Replace it with grief.
169
00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:13,559
Replace it with the fear
that you're not good enough.
170
00:09:13,768 --> 00:09:18,313
When you try to think positively
and push your feelings down, what
171
00:09:18,595 --> 00:09:23,440
ACT therapists call experiential
avoidance, you're not solving anything.
172
00:09:23,750 --> 00:09:27,050
You're actually activating
the exact mechanisms that's
173
00:09:27,050 --> 00:09:28,795
going to make them louder.
174
00:09:29,286 --> 00:09:30,659
Yeah, and it gets worse.
175
00:09:30,795 --> 00:09:33,559
There's a social cognition
effect that no one's even talking
176
00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:35,195
about, except for me right now.
177
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,931
There may be others out there,
but I haven't heard them.
178
00:09:37,150 --> 00:09:41,968
Research shows that suppression
increases psychological stress responses,
179
00:09:42,013 --> 00:09:45,159
not just in the person suppressing
them, but the people around them.
180
00:09:45,522 --> 00:09:49,977
Yeah Your partner, your kids, your
colleagues, your friends, they
181
00:09:49,977 --> 00:09:53,568
sense something is off, and that
elevates their stress level as well.
182
00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:56,940
Emotional suppression turns out to
be contagious, ladies and gentlemen,
183
00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:58,886
and contagious in the worst way.
184
00:09:59,013 --> 00:10:02,722
All right, so here's a step-by-step
breakdown of what's actually happening in
185
00:10:02,722 --> 00:10:07,304
your brain and your body when you suppress
emotions and what you should do instead.
186
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:10,459
All right, step one, let's understand
the neuroscience real quick, shall we?
187
00:10:10,786 --> 00:10:15,359
Using functional MRI scans, researchers
found that when you consciously
188
00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:18,849
suppress your emotions, activity in
your amygdala, that's your brain's
189
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,113
emotional processing center, decreases.
190
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,150
Sounds good, right?
191
00:10:23,095 --> 00:10:23,540
Wrong.
192
00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:24,713
Here's what else is happening.
193
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:30,268
Both conscious and unconscious
emotional suppression reduces functional
194
00:10:30,268 --> 00:10:35,668
connectivity in the brain regions that
help us encode emotional memories.
195
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:36,477
What does that mean?
196
00:10:36,577 --> 00:10:41,677
Okay, your brain is literally changing how
it processes and stores the experience.
197
00:10:41,904 --> 00:10:46,731
Here's a top-down inhibitory
control signal from the dorsolateral
198
00:10:46,731 --> 00:10:50,631
prefrontal cortex targeting both
the hippocampus and the amygdala.
199
00:10:50,922 --> 00:10:54,540
A lot of big words there, and my tongue
just stu- stumbled over a couple of them.
200
00:10:54,768 --> 00:10:58,704
Effectively, you're not just dampening
the emotion, you're literally disrupting
201
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:02,540
the entire memory and emotional
processing system in your noggin.
202
00:11:02,822 --> 00:11:02,977
Yeah.
203
00:11:03,104 --> 00:11:06,959
James Gross at Stanford University, one
of the most cited emotional regulation
204
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:10,968
researchers in the world, has spent
decades proving that suppression
205
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:15,140
is fundamentally different from
healthier strategies like reappraisal.
206
00:11:15,404 --> 00:11:18,440
Reappraisal is reframing how
you think about a situation.
207
00:11:18,686 --> 00:11:21,940
It decreases both the experience
and the expression of negative
208
00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:24,913
emotion with no impact on memory.
209
00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:25,368
What?
210
00:11:25,731 --> 00:11:26,059
Yeah.
211
00:11:26,313 --> 00:11:30,431
Suppression, it might reduce the outward
expression of your emotion, but it
212
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:35,695
fails to decrease the actual emotional
experience, and it impairs your memory.
213
00:11:35,922 --> 00:11:36,213
Yeah.
214
00:11:36,359 --> 00:11:36,904
You feel me?
215
00:11:36,931 --> 00:11:38,313
You, you, you getting this?
216
00:11:38,404 --> 00:11:43,604
Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT,
is built on reappraisal as its core
217
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:48,831
mechanism, which is precisely why it has
such strong evidence base compared to
218
00:11:48,831 --> 00:11:51,659
just s- telling someone to stay positive.
219
00:11:52,204 --> 00:11:52,531
Okay?
220
00:11:52,804 --> 00:11:53,968
You don't feel better.
221
00:11:54,195 --> 00:11:57,677
You just look fine while you're
falling apart on the inside.
222
00:11:58,113 --> 00:12:01,613
And on top of all of that, you're
starting to forget things, maybe
223
00:12:01,613 --> 00:12:02,595
things you need to remember.
224
00:12:02,686 --> 00:12:02,877
Okay?
225
00:12:03,195 --> 00:12:06,477
Step two, let's recognize
the physical costs here.
226
00:12:06,586 --> 00:12:09,977
A landmark study followed seven hundred
and twenty-nine folks over twelve
227
00:12:09,977 --> 00:12:12,313
years, tracking deaths from all causes.
228
00:12:12,395 --> 00:12:16,513
People who scored in the seventy-fifth
percentile of emotional suppression had a
229
00:12:16,513 --> 00:12:21,295
thirty-five percent higher risk of dying
from any cause during the study period.
230
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:26,454
Earlier epidemiological evidence
from Yugoslavian cohort study found
231
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:30,745
that suppression-prone personality
styles predicted 10-year all-cause
232
00:12:30,745 --> 00:12:35,145
mortality, cardiovascular dise-
disease mortality, and cancer death.
233
00:12:35,281 --> 00:12:36,236
They died faster.
234
00:12:36,536 --> 00:12:37,327
I'm just saying.
235
00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:39,454
The mechanism is kind of straightforward.
236
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:44,445
Chronic emotional suppression keeps
your stress response system activated.
237
00:12:44,672 --> 00:12:46,654
It just steps on the gas for you.
238
00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:51,454
The cortisol, the adrenaline, and the
inflammatory markers, they don't shut off.
239
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:55,909
According to the Mayo Clinic, this
chronic activation disrupts every
240
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:59,972
system in your body: heart disease,
hypertension, depression, digestive
241
00:12:59,972 --> 00:13:04,581
problems, immune dysfunction, sleep
disruption, headaches, muscle tension.
242
00:13:04,772 --> 00:13:05,745
The list goes on.
243
00:13:06,081 --> 00:13:10,163
Your body is keeping score even though
your Instagram says everything is fine.
244
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:10,954
You feel me?
245
00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:11,436
Okay.
246
00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:15,009
Step number three, let's
understand the shame spiral.
247
00:13:15,199 --> 00:13:17,836
Oh, I'm gonna lose a couple people
right here, but that's okay.
248
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,963
You know me, I'm gonna... I'm
pulling punches, 'cause here
249
00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:22,236
is the most insidious part.
250
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,372
Toxic positivity creates shame.
251
00:13:25,681 --> 00:13:25,990
Yeah.
252
00:13:26,336 --> 00:13:27,836
Cancel culture magnified right there.
253
00:13:28,045 --> 00:13:28,354
Okay?
254
00:13:28,427 --> 00:13:34,000
When you are told that the solution to
your pain is to simply think positive and
255
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,890
you still can't do it, you don't come to
the conclusion that the advice is bad.
256
00:13:38,190 --> 00:13:41,427
You end up coming to the
conclusion that you are broken.
257
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:41,963
Yeah.
258
00:13:42,272 --> 00:13:42,936
What the hell?
259
00:13:43,109 --> 00:13:48,009
Research from Brené Brown confirmed that
emotional suppression drives higher levels
260
00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:54,700
of anxiety, depression, and burnout, in
part because of exactly this shame spiral.
261
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,936
A Jed Foundation survey found that 43%
of college students reported their mental
262
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:05,809
health being worse than ever, with 82%
experiencing anxiety in the past month.
263
00:14:06,281 --> 00:14:09,772
Research from Brock University
found that for young perfectionists,
264
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:13,290
the positive vibes only culture
didn't help them cope at all.
265
00:14:13,318 --> 00:14:16,709
Instead, it increased their
stress and their self-criticism.
266
00:14:17,036 --> 00:14:20,799
These young people come to see
sadness, anxiety, anger, and
267
00:14:20,799 --> 00:14:25,081
frustration not just as difficult
emotions, but as personal failures.
268
00:14:25,154 --> 00:14:25,381
What?
269
00:14:25,836 --> 00:14:26,063
Yeah.
270
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:31,063
Some researchers even studied alexithymia,
the clinical term for difficulty
271
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:34,572
identifying and describing your own
emotions, and the evidence suggests
272
00:14:34,572 --> 00:14:39,272
that cultures of suppression actively
train people towards that condition.
273
00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:43,445
You become emotionally illiterate
about your own inner world, your
274
00:14:43,445 --> 00:14:44,890
life, your heart, your feelings.
275
00:14:44,954 --> 00:14:45,236
Yeah.
276
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:45,872
Okay?
277
00:14:46,027 --> 00:14:46,490
You with me?
278
00:14:46,545 --> 00:14:49,999
Step four, let's apply some
research-backed alternative here.
279
00:14:50,745 --> 00:14:53,181
All right, so now I've given
you all the doom and gloom.
280
00:14:53,181 --> 00:14:54,845
Here's where we get a little bit hopeful.
281
00:14:54,963 --> 00:14:58,890
A series of landmark studies led by Brett
Ford at the University of Toronto examined
282
00:14:59,245 --> 00:15:03,809
what happens when people habitually
just accept their mental experiences
283
00:15:03,809 --> 00:15:05,418
rather than stand there and judge them.
284
00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:07,963
Study one included over
1,000 participants.
285
00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:11,763
Study two, uh, brought 156
people into the lab, and study
286
00:15:11,763 --> 00:15:16,154
three followed 222 participants
over the course of six months.
287
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:20,436
The findings held consistent across all
three studies, even though they were done
288
00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:24,972
differently People who habitually accept
their emotional experiences, including
289
00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:29,318
the negative ones, yeah, well, let's lean
into that, reported greater psychological
290
00:15:29,318 --> 00:15:31,163
health in as little as six months later.
291
00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:35,799
This held true regardless of gender,
ethnicity, or socioeconomic status.
292
00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:40,081
These people were simply less likely
to respond negatively when stress
293
00:15:40,245 --> 00:15:43,872
hit them, and here's the paradox
that makes this so damn powerful.
294
00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,527
Accepting negative experiences
was associated with lower
295
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:49,981
negative emotion overall.
296
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:51,563
Yeah, let that one sink in for a moment.
297
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:55,790
When you stop freaking fighting your
difficult feelings, when you stop
298
00:15:55,945 --> 00:16:00,599
judging yourself for even having them,
they will actually fade away faster
299
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:02,936
and cause less distress in your world.
300
00:16:03,145 --> 00:16:06,645
Acceptance is especially effective
when you're under high stress,
301
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:11,545
which is precisely when we're most
tempted to slap on a smile and try
302
00:16:11,545 --> 00:16:12,763
to push through them, isn't it?
303
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:13,418
Go ahead.
304
00:16:13,627 --> 00:16:14,836
You know you're one of those folks.
305
00:16:14,872 --> 00:16:15,890
Yeah, okay, raise your hand.
306
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:16,581
No problem.
307
00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:19,754
Step five, practice emotional agility.
308
00:16:19,809 --> 00:16:19,954
Yeah.
309
00:16:20,199 --> 00:16:23,036
Okay, no, we don't need you to,
you know, get into any leaning
310
00:16:23,036 --> 00:16:26,209
poses or anything to s- to stretch
your muscles, but hear me out.
311
00:16:26,609 --> 00:16:31,827
Dr. Susan David of Harvard Medical School,
whose work was named a Management Idea
312
00:16:31,827 --> 00:16:36,072
of the Year by Harvard Business Review,
she developed what she calls emotional
313
00:16:36,118 --> 00:16:40,418
agility, and her perspective is shaped
by something a little bit profound.
314
00:16:40,445 --> 00:16:43,945
I mean, she grew up in apartheid
in South Africa, where she saw
315
00:16:43,945 --> 00:16:48,418
firsthand how denying the reality
of the situation can in fact carry
316
00:16:48,418 --> 00:16:51,236
destructive power over an entire country.
317
00:16:51,381 --> 00:16:53,427
If you don't know what I'm talking
about, check out apartheid in
318
00:16:53,427 --> 00:16:54,654
South Africa in your history.
319
00:16:54,827 --> 00:16:54,990
Okay?
320
00:16:55,209 --> 00:16:58,890
But here's her four-step process,
and it's backed by over 1,000
321
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:01,409
randomized controlled trials.
322
00:17:01,509 --> 00:17:02,536
First, show up.
323
00:17:02,818 --> 00:17:03,136
Okay?
324
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,727
So many of us have a problem with this.
325
00:17:04,781 --> 00:17:05,209
Show up.
326
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:09,799
Face your thoughts and emotions
with curiosity instead of avoidance.
327
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,690
When that anxiety hits, instead
of thinking, "I shouldn't
328
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,990
feel this way," right?
329
00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:17,645
Go ahead and try thinking something like
this: "Oh, this is interesting. I wonder
330
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,463
what this anxiety is trying to tell me."
331
00:17:20,681 --> 00:17:20,818
Right?
332
00:17:20,845 --> 00:17:22,190
It's a signal, ladies and gentlemen.
333
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:22,836
I'm just saying.
334
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,218
Second, step out.
335
00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:27,772
Detach from your emotions
just enough to observe them
336
00:17:28,072 --> 00:17:29,509
without being consumed by them.
337
00:17:29,609 --> 00:17:31,499
You are not your emotions.
338
00:17:31,681 --> 00:17:34,299
You are the observer of your emotions.
339
00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:38,600
This is what dialectical behaviors
therapy, DBT, calls mindful
340
00:17:38,636 --> 00:17:40,809
observation of emotional experience.
341
00:17:41,072 --> 00:17:43,427
You're seeing the emotion
without becoming it.
342
00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:44,354
The emotion.
343
00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,590
Third, walk your why.
344
00:17:46,818 --> 00:17:47,436
Take a moment.
345
00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:51,245
Reconnect with your core
values to guide your behavior.
346
00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:55,563
That frustration at work might be
telling you that you value autonomy.
347
00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:58,800
That sadness after a relationship
fades away might be telling
348
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,199
you, you value connection.
349
00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:04,327
When you push aside difficult
emotions in the service of forced
350
00:18:04,327 --> 00:18:08,790
positivity, you also push aside
what those emotions are teaching us
351
00:18:08,918 --> 00:18:11,545
about our innermost values, right?
352
00:18:11,772 --> 00:18:12,863
There's a lesson there to be learned.
353
00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:14,500
And then fourth, move on.
354
00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:15,790
I know, right?
355
00:18:16,027 --> 00:18:20,772
Make small, deliberate changes that align
with who you want to be, not based on
356
00:18:20,772 --> 00:18:25,609
suppressing what you feel, but based on
honoring what those feelings are teaching
357
00:18:25,609 --> 00:18:28,018
you about your deeply held values.
358
00:18:28,118 --> 00:18:32,172
And in step six, this is called
practice strategic optimism.
359
00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:35,081
This comes from Viktor Frankl, the
Holocaust survivor I mentioned earlier,
360
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,163
and he's the founder of logo therapy.
361
00:18:37,454 --> 00:18:39,754
He understood something most people miss.
362
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:42,090
He called it tragic optimism.
363
00:18:42,636 --> 00:18:44,663
Unfortunately, I've been
through a level of this.
364
00:18:44,663 --> 00:18:45,999
Of course, I wasn't a Holocaust survivor.
365
00:18:46,445 --> 00:18:50,563
The death of, uh, an 18-month-old daughter
kind of teaches you tragic optimism.
366
00:18:50,718 --> 00:18:56,100
And this is the ability to maintain
hope and find meaning While fully
367
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,572
acknowledging the reality of suffering.
368
00:18:59,118 --> 00:19:00,409
You're not denying the pain.
369
00:19:00,818 --> 00:19:04,354
You're not performing happiness,
but you're holding both truths out
370
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,454
there in front of you at the same
time because they're both there.
371
00:19:07,627 --> 00:19:12,145
Your negative emotions are not obstacles,
they're signposts, and when you suppress
372
00:19:12,145 --> 00:19:17,100
them, you lose the signal, you lose the
data, you lose your compass, and you get
373
00:19:17,209 --> 00:19:19,690
lost on the winding path that is life.
374
00:19:19,918 --> 00:19:22,881
And if this is hitting you right where,
right where you live, g- well, good.
375
00:19:23,081 --> 00:19:25,909
And if you're tired of pretending
everything's fine when it's
376
00:19:25,936 --> 00:19:27,181
not, I want to get you on...
377
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,545
I want to get you on my newsletter.
378
00:19:28,572 --> 00:19:32,800
The Unleash Your Success DNA is for my
aspiring folks out there who wanna do
379
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,609
better, but who are done with surface
lev- level advice and are ready for
380
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,318
the real work of transformation.
381
00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:42,154
Each issue continues to deliver
mindset shifts and habit upgrades,
382
00:19:42,154 --> 00:19:45,981
and still mixed with my little dose of
rebellion, helping you break free from
383
00:19:45,981 --> 00:19:49,327
convention so that you can build a life
aligned with your version of success.
384
00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:54,372
No toxic positivity, no fake inspiration,
just truths I think that works.
385
00:19:54,399 --> 00:19:56,718
Go ahead and check it out
at yoursuccessdna.com.
386
00:19:57,645 --> 00:19:57,845
Okay.
387
00:19:58,099 --> 00:20:01,836
Now, let's step back here for a
moment and answer the question of why
388
00:20:01,836 --> 00:20:04,054
this matters at a much larger scale.
389
00:20:04,281 --> 00:20:07,154
Because we're living through
what I'm going to call the great
390
00:20:07,209 --> 00:20:09,045
emotional suppression, right?
391
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:12,772
A- an entire generation, maybe
two, have been taught that negative
392
00:20:12,772 --> 00:20:17,109
emotions are in fact personal failures
instead of valuable information.
393
00:20:17,409 --> 00:20:21,672
Dr. Susan David, she put it bluntly,
"There is no research supporting
394
00:20:21,672 --> 00:20:25,609
the idea that false positivity,"
which is a denial of our experience,
395
00:20:25,636 --> 00:20:28,109
"is helpful to us as human beings."
396
00:20:28,281 --> 00:20:30,390
None, nada, zip, zero.
397
00:20:30,418 --> 00:20:33,427
Not a single study, yet
we keep freaking doing it.
398
00:20:33,627 --> 00:20:35,818
We keep telling people
things could be worse.
399
00:20:36,054 --> 00:20:38,336
We keep posting positive vibes only.
400
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,990
We keep saying everything happens
for a reason to someone who just
401
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:45,690
lost their job or a relationship
or, like me, a loved one.
402
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:48,245
This isn't just about individual wellness.
403
00:20:48,427 --> 00:20:52,318
This is about reclaiming your
humanity in a world that profits
404
00:20:52,472 --> 00:20:54,518
from our emotional numbness.
405
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:59,636
We've created a culture where authenticity
seems somehow revolutionary, and feeling
406
00:20:59,636 --> 00:21:01,645
your feelings becomes an act of rebellion.
407
00:21:01,736 --> 00:21:01,936
What?
408
00:21:01,936 --> 00:21:03,154
What's up with that?
409
00:21:03,445 --> 00:21:06,763
The people who truly thrive aren't
the ones who never feel pain.
410
00:21:07,018 --> 00:21:09,754
They're the ones who learn to
feel it fully, understand what
411
00:21:09,754 --> 00:21:13,554
it's telling them, and then move
forward with that new clarity.
412
00:21:13,827 --> 00:21:16,590
So here is your Whiskered
Wisdom for this week.
413
00:21:16,690 --> 00:21:20,772
The next time you catch yourself saying,
"I shouldn't feel this way," or, "I
414
00:21:20,772 --> 00:21:26,181
need to stay positive," pause and ask
yourself- What is this emotion trying
415
00:21:26,181 --> 00:21:28,718
to teach me about what it is I value?
416
00:21:28,981 --> 00:21:33,063
Don't judge it, don't fix it,
don't know, just listen to it.
417
00:21:33,436 --> 00:21:37,418
Because here's what I know after decades
of looking around and studying human
418
00:21:37,418 --> 00:21:41,700
behavior and working with so many amazing
people across all walks of life, you
419
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:45,636
don't need to be positive all the damn
time, but you do need to be honest,
420
00:21:45,827 --> 00:21:50,081
you do need to be present, and most
importantly, you do need to stop treating
421
00:21:50,081 --> 00:21:54,872
your difficult emotions like enemies
and start treating them like messengers.
422
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,654
That's not toxic positivity.
423
00:21:56,827 --> 00:21:58,227
That, my friend, is real strength.
424
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:01,718
That's emotional agility, and
that's how you build a life that's
425
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:06,063
actually worth living instead of
just looking good on social media.
426
00:22:06,336 --> 00:22:09,272
Remember, your emotions,
all of them, are data.
427
00:22:09,527 --> 00:22:12,281
They're telling you something
important about who you really
428
00:22:12,281 --> 00:22:13,927
are and what you really value.
429
00:22:14,245 --> 00:22:18,690
The world doesn't need yet another person
pretending everything is fine, especially
430
00:22:18,690 --> 00:22:20,672
not for the sake of an Instagram feed.
431
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:25,490
It needs you, the real you, unedited,
truly authentic, and one hundred
432
00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:27,518
percent emotionally intelligent.
433
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:29,727
Stop suppressing, start listening.
434
00:22:30,009 --> 00:22:33,972
Stop performing happiness and
start building real resilience.
435
00:22:34,236 --> 00:22:35,863
Think successfully and take action.
